Yes versus Maybe

"It's not for me, and I'm not meant for it. Good...hopefully it will fade away."

It's not that the statement caught me off guard, I usually expect some bull shit like this every now and then. I guess it was just how randomly it seemed to appear after such a long absence. Shortly after it came through my feed he started texting me again. It has been nearly two months since his name showed up on my phone and this time it was met with the same skip of my heart that always betrays what my brain knows to be fact: it's not going to happen.

I've tried to convince myself of this since January, but in the absence of anything or anyone else to distract my attention in this arena, the thought of any possibilities of it working out started to creep back into my head. It's wrong of me to think that it will work and it's wrong of me to try to force this on someone who obviously does not want to accept it.

I used to tell myself "just wait until next year, things will change" but do I really want things to change? Yes, I still like him, but I don't want to be with someone who may at any moment completely betray me because it's not what "God" wants. Who's to say what that even is?

I get so frustrated talking to him sometimes that I just want to stop. But at the same time I NEED to keep the conversation going to feed my sense of imagination and possibility.

I have an overactive imagination.