I've been on a rampage lately, tearing through Internet articles and other media in order to find out more information on Ricky Martin's coming out. While people said things about him for years, I first really thought about it in 2007 when I read that he offered Christian Chávez his full support after the latter was forced out by media-released photographs of his wedding in Canada. Beside's Chávez's bandmates (the Mexican pop group RBD), Martin was one of the few celebrities in the Latin American world to stand by Chávez. I'm happy that he has decided to come out and say "I am a fortunate homosexual man."
That takes courage.
Martin's revelation comes shortly after Sean Hayes of Will and Grace fame came out in an interview with The Advocate. But does the fact that these men are coming out now actually affect anything, after their careers have slowed down to a manageable level and they can fade back a bit and live their lives without much interference from the media?
I think it still does matter.
Regardless of current status, projects in progress, or whatever else, these people are still very recognizable, both from their works in stardom and in the real world. Their decision to come out not only makes the gay community more visible and vocal, but it also makes it more real to people who may not have had anybody to look up to before. These men could be the reason someone else finds hope to continue on...seeing that you don't have to be heterosexual in order to be successful, to be loved, to be admired, to be happy.
Even though now both of these men may have the same label attached to their professions that other gay actors, gay singers, gay painters, gay musicians, gay politicians, gay teachers, gay athletes, gay writers, gay...whatevers...have, at least they can look at themselves and say "I'm not lying to myself about who I am."
And they have my full support.
Even though I am just one person with no major connections whatsoever, I would like to think that my encouragement does matter in the end. And even though I know none of the people mentioned in this post will ever read what I have written here, it matters to me that I wrote it.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Standards of Learning and Decency
Apparently students don't have to know anything about the Berlin Airlift anymore. Not that it was a total game-changer in history, but it's still a rather significant event in marking the beginnings of the Cold War. I found this out last night at 2 a.m as I was up at my computer doing final research for my lesson today. I could not sleep due to nerves about teaching because I feel rather unprepared still. I'm only teaching from between 30-45 minutes, but it still feels like a lot of pressure is on me to perform well.
I think I am worried more about saying or doing something wrong that isn't related to the lesson. I'm worried that I'm going to let it slip that it's my 21st birthday today and that I plan on getting totally hammered because I have no Tuesday classes. I'm worried I'm going to stare at one (or more) of the students in..that way..because I have terribly wandering eyes.
But I'm going to try to not worry about those things for now. I'm sitting at my computer, fully dressed in my shirt and tie (and pants), drinking a cup of coffee, and listening to the full Carmina Burana. I have 25 minutes until I give myself up to being the energetic, interesting, and knowledgeable teacher.
Until then, I will remain the boring, lethargic, but still knowledgeable, me.
I think I am worried more about saying or doing something wrong that isn't related to the lesson. I'm worried that I'm going to let it slip that it's my 21st birthday today and that I plan on getting totally hammered because I have no Tuesday classes. I'm worried I'm going to stare at one (or more) of the students in..that way..because I have terribly wandering eyes.
But I'm going to try to not worry about those things for now. I'm sitting at my computer, fully dressed in my shirt and tie (and pants), drinking a cup of coffee, and listening to the full Carmina Burana. I have 25 minutes until I give myself up to being the energetic, interesting, and knowledgeable teacher.
Until then, I will remain the boring, lethargic, but still knowledgeable, me.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Motivationless
I hate the Cold War.
And the worst part about hating it is that it's the unit I have to teach to these poor CHS students. I can only imagine the biases I am going to slip into my lessons.
I have been so distracted lately. I need to finish planning this lesson. I need to get to work on my seminar paper. I need to finish lesson planning for my methods class. I need to study harder on my Polish grammar. But all I want to do is nothing.
I think I'm going to try to work on my lesson for tomorrow. It doesn't need to be amazing, just not terrible. I think she's already impressed with what I have done so I just need to finish it up.
And goddamn it, I'm going to finish it now.
And the worst part about hating it is that it's the unit I have to teach to these poor CHS students. I can only imagine the biases I am going to slip into my lessons.
I have been so distracted lately. I need to finish planning this lesson. I need to get to work on my seminar paper. I need to finish lesson planning for my methods class. I need to study harder on my Polish grammar. But all I want to do is nothing.
I think I'm going to try to work on my lesson for tomorrow. It doesn't need to be amazing, just not terrible. I think she's already impressed with what I have done so I just need to finish it up.
And goddamn it, I'm going to finish it now.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Languages
Today I picked up a Korean audio CD and booklet from Barnes & Noble. I immediately started listening to it in the car and I felt this wave of ethnicity wash over me like I have never felt before. This is the first East Asian language I have actually tried to learn and it excites me so much to the point that I am almost giddy about it. The problem is that I am so used to the Romance languages (I speak Spanish, limited French, and enough Italian to get by) that jumping into a region that has completely different rules for grammar, syntax, and, well, most things, has been difficult. It doesn't help that I'm taking a Slavic language as an actual class (ojej, Polski, mój mały przyjacielu) and I'm beginning to mix everything up.
Tonight as I was listening to the woman say 'excuse me' in Korean over and over again all I could think of was 'przepraszam.' It clouded my mind to a point that I had to take a break, clear my brain of thoughts of languages other than English and my target language, and then begin again. Even now, I'm thinking in Spanish as I type out this post. I turn my head to the right just slightly and I see French phrases either on my calendar or posted to the wall behind my computer. Polish is ruling my tongue at the moment and my ears are filled with music from Japan. I am on a language overload and I absolutely love it.
I doubt that I will be able to continue what I am doing for much longer unless I find a way to expand the capacity of my brain. I have parts of 10 languages (English, Spanish, Polish, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian, Korean, and Japanese) floating through my head at the moment, and, like I said before, they are all getting jumbled up.
Yesterday I said a sentence that combined Spanish, Polish, French, and English into one conglomerated mess that sounded like a dying cow had been hoisted up as a piñata in Nice.
Tonight as I was listening to the woman say 'excuse me' in Korean over and over again all I could think of was 'przepraszam.' It clouded my mind to a point that I had to take a break, clear my brain of thoughts of languages other than English and my target language, and then begin again. Even now, I'm thinking in Spanish as I type out this post. I turn my head to the right just slightly and I see French phrases either on my calendar or posted to the wall behind my computer. Polish is ruling my tongue at the moment and my ears are filled with music from Japan. I am on a language overload and I absolutely love it.
I doubt that I will be able to continue what I am doing for much longer unless I find a way to expand the capacity of my brain. I have parts of 10 languages (English, Spanish, Polish, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian, Korean, and Japanese) floating through my head at the moment, and, like I said before, they are all getting jumbled up.
Yesterday I said a sentence that combined Spanish, Polish, French, and English into one conglomerated mess that sounded like a dying cow had been hoisted up as a piñata in Nice.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Off the Spectrum
I have been noticing how far left my political thought has been deviating in the past few months. No longer am I satisfied with the Democratic Party. I need something more. I've always been politically active and I don't want to lose that part of me because it makes me keep up with current events. I don't want to be the stereotypical apathetic leftist. So what I need is some kind of real ideology I can associate myself with, because I love labels and will never be able to consider myself independent of a political group.
After reading up on the French Parliamentary elections that occurred recently I've come closer to calling myself a socialist, or at least a Social Democrat. I feel like in the US the term 'socialism' has been used so negatively for so long that its connotations incite the old sentiments of the useless Cold War. But I feel like it's just a way of taking care of one another and rewarding people for the work they do in society rather than simply letting the rich get richer and making the poor stay poor.
I'm not sure how I came to be so far to one side of the spectrum considering the area in which I was raised. Most very rural places don't tend to harbor or breed hyper-leftists such as myself. It may be my background of growing up poor. It may be a bit of animosity towards the rich. It may be that I truly want everybody to be equal in society because I have seen enough injustice in the past. It may be because I feel we will ultimately be divided more by class than by anything else if our current conditions continue.
Regardless of whether or not you agree with me, I think you should take this test and see where you stand on the traditional spectrum: www.politicalcompass.org (click on 'Take the Test' in the top left corner).
In the most recent one I took I am -6.25, -5.47. I'm further out there than the Dalai Lama.
After reading up on the French Parliamentary elections that occurred recently I've come closer to calling myself a socialist, or at least a Social Democrat. I feel like in the US the term 'socialism' has been used so negatively for so long that its connotations incite the old sentiments of the useless Cold War. But I feel like it's just a way of taking care of one another and rewarding people for the work they do in society rather than simply letting the rich get richer and making the poor stay poor.
I'm not sure how I came to be so far to one side of the spectrum considering the area in which I was raised. Most very rural places don't tend to harbor or breed hyper-leftists such as myself. It may be my background of growing up poor. It may be a bit of animosity towards the rich. It may be that I truly want everybody to be equal in society because I have seen enough injustice in the past. It may be because I feel we will ultimately be divided more by class than by anything else if our current conditions continue.
Regardless of whether or not you agree with me, I think you should take this test and see where you stand on the traditional spectrum: www.politicalcompass.org (click on 'Take the Test' in the top left corner).
In the most recent one I took I am -6.25, -5.47. I'm further out there than the Dalai Lama.
Trash Day
In a matter of hours the kitchen went from being one of the places I absolutely avoided to being one of the cleaner places in the whole house.
Our area's trash pick-up day is Tuesday and Ronnie and I had decided earlier that we were going to dump the trash from the kitchen on Monday night so it could be picked up. With help from Rafel we finally motivated ourselves to get up and take care of everything. I put on gloves and began taking some of the trash off the top of the can so we could get a trash bag around it. After some initial gagging I was able to get it together and soon the trash was gone from the kitchen.
Ronnie and Rafel then began to put all of the dishes that had been crowding the sink and stove into trash bags as well. Rather than deal with them right now we just decided to put them somewhere where the people who destroyed them can deal with them on their own time. As of now they are still sitting in the hallway. While they were doing the dishes I was trying to scrape off old nasty stuff from the walls. It was terrible.
I went downstairs to look for my Swiffer Sweeper but someone has lost it or done something with it so I had to go out to the store at 12:30 in order to get a new something. I ended up getting an amazing mop with scrubbing bristles on one side along with a big bottle of bleach. the mop worked wonderfully and our kitchen floor is now walkable again. Before you ALWAYS had to have shoes on. Now, I feel like socks might suffice.
After I mopped up the floor and everything I went around to the various sinks upstairs and just poured bleach down them, hoping that if anything was existing in there that the bleach would take care of it. I'm hoping it worked.
I think we can finally take control of the house again....take it back from the flies.
Our area's trash pick-up day is Tuesday and Ronnie and I had decided earlier that we were going to dump the trash from the kitchen on Monday night so it could be picked up. With help from Rafel we finally motivated ourselves to get up and take care of everything. I put on gloves and began taking some of the trash off the top of the can so we could get a trash bag around it. After some initial gagging I was able to get it together and soon the trash was gone from the kitchen.
Ronnie and Rafel then began to put all of the dishes that had been crowding the sink and stove into trash bags as well. Rather than deal with them right now we just decided to put them somewhere where the people who destroyed them can deal with them on their own time. As of now they are still sitting in the hallway. While they were doing the dishes I was trying to scrape off old nasty stuff from the walls. It was terrible.
I went downstairs to look for my Swiffer Sweeper but someone has lost it or done something with it so I had to go out to the store at 12:30 in order to get a new something. I ended up getting an amazing mop with scrubbing bristles on one side along with a big bottle of bleach. the mop worked wonderfully and our kitchen floor is now walkable again. Before you ALWAYS had to have shoes on. Now, I feel like socks might suffice.
After I mopped up the floor and everything I went around to the various sinks upstairs and just poured bleach down them, hoping that if anything was existing in there that the bleach would take care of it. I'm hoping it worked.
I think we can finally take control of the house again....take it back from the flies.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A few too Many
I did end up playing volleyball yesterday and I had a great time. It took some time for me to get worked back into my athleticness that hides itself so very well. But once I got it to come out I was very into the game, sacrificing my body for the good of the play. Luckily we were playing on sand so diving for the ball didn't have too many consequences...except for the fact that I got sand in my pocket and then put my phone in that pocket after the game ended. I'm trying to work the tiny grains of sand out of my phone so that the front can once again easily slide back and forth. I'm getting close.
Once we made it back to my house I had dinner and then took a short nap. I woke up when my friend Tricia came into my room, jumped on my bed, and laid across my chest. I was then invited to do a Power Hour at her apartment with Ronnie and Nikki. I agreed although I was still very sleepy. We did the PH and continued to drink after that. By 12:30 or so I was really beginning to realize how many I had had and decided to call it a night. I made it home even though I don't remember the walk back. I went upstairs and then felt like I was going to vomit so I made my way down to the bathroom where I proceeded to fall asleep on the floor (and luckily not throw up). I eventually woke up and made my way back to my room and fell asleep instantly when I hit my bed.
This morning I had to look around for my various items of clothing, wallet, phone, iPod, and other things that had been on my person when I got into my room.
I've found most everything.
Once we made it back to my house I had dinner and then took a short nap. I woke up when my friend Tricia came into my room, jumped on my bed, and laid across my chest. I was then invited to do a Power Hour at her apartment with Ronnie and Nikki. I agreed although I was still very sleepy. We did the PH and continued to drink after that. By 12:30 or so I was really beginning to realize how many I had had and decided to call it a night. I made it home even though I don't remember the walk back. I went upstairs and then felt like I was going to vomit so I made my way down to the bathroom where I proceeded to fall asleep on the floor (and luckily not throw up). I eventually woke up and made my way back to my room and fell asleep instantly when I hit my bed.
This morning I had to look around for my various items of clothing, wallet, phone, iPod, and other things that had been on my person when I got into my room.
I've found most everything.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Smile Happy Fun Time
Sunny, nearly cloudless day outside.
We are going to be playing volleyball down at one of the dorms in a little bit. I'll probably just be taking pictures, sipping on my special drink, and cheering people on the whole time. But I guess I'm glad nonetheless. It gets me out of the house on a nice day and gives me a reason to wear shorts, a long-sleeve shirt, and my flip-flops.
We partied it up last night. It had started off as just a few people coming over and turned into about 25 people hanging around in my house. Luckily they didn't come into my room so it was safe and there were no spills on the floor when I went to bed around 3:30 a.m.
Today should be a good day.
We are going to be playing volleyball down at one of the dorms in a little bit. I'll probably just be taking pictures, sipping on my special drink, and cheering people on the whole time. But I guess I'm glad nonetheless. It gets me out of the house on a nice day and gives me a reason to wear shorts, a long-sleeve shirt, and my flip-flops.
We partied it up last night. It had started off as just a few people coming over and turned into about 25 people hanging around in my house. Luckily they didn't come into my room so it was safe and there were no spills on the floor when I went to bed around 3:30 a.m.
Today should be a good day.
Friday, March 19, 2010
The Truth of the Matter
Honestly, I wish things had turned out differently.
I'm sitting in my room, alone. People downstairs are doing work. People upstairs are in the pot-smoking room that I avoid. I've almost finished my second Corona (we're working through the case we got last night) and I'm just beginning to feel lightheaded. But with the lightheadedness I get from this also comes my emotions.
I'm a jealous person. I'm a sad person. I'm easily upset. I'm extremely stubborn and opinionated. And I feel like I'm driving people away from me.
Listing good qualities about myself does not come easily. I guess I never actually notice when I'm in a good mood or anything. I just take it for granted that I'm not sad or thinking about killing myself and move on with the passing time. I look at my watch and think forward to the next time my alcoholism will kick in and give myself that high that only addictions can give.
I'm at least 25 pounds overweight right now. I look down at myself and get upset. But I'm so stuck in my ways that I do not want to and will not make any changes. I continue this cycle of existence in my current self which only furthers my weight problems and decreases my self-esteem daily. I feel like I've been turned down twice in the last few months because of my weight. I was flipping through an old yearbook the other day from high school when I weighed between 140 and 150 pounds. It made me sad.
I hate the education school. But if you have talked to me within the last two years you already know that whole story. I really wish I had gone into Spanish and history and not education at all, even if that would mean sacrificing the master's degree I'll be getting next year.
I'm going to go try to join one of the two distinct groups that are in my house at the moment so I can work on getting over myself.
This post has been an explanation of just some of the many thoughts that are passing through my mind at the moment. Nobody would ever be able to actually collect all of them. But if they did, I have this strange feeling that the positive would outweigh the negative...and that makes me smile.
I'm sitting in my room, alone. People downstairs are doing work. People upstairs are in the pot-smoking room that I avoid. I've almost finished my second Corona (we're working through the case we got last night) and I'm just beginning to feel lightheaded. But with the lightheadedness I get from this also comes my emotions.
I'm a jealous person. I'm a sad person. I'm easily upset. I'm extremely stubborn and opinionated. And I feel like I'm driving people away from me.
Listing good qualities about myself does not come easily. I guess I never actually notice when I'm in a good mood or anything. I just take it for granted that I'm not sad or thinking about killing myself and move on with the passing time. I look at my watch and think forward to the next time my alcoholism will kick in and give myself that high that only addictions can give.
I'm at least 25 pounds overweight right now. I look down at myself and get upset. But I'm so stuck in my ways that I do not want to and will not make any changes. I continue this cycle of existence in my current self which only furthers my weight problems and decreases my self-esteem daily. I feel like I've been turned down twice in the last few months because of my weight. I was flipping through an old yearbook the other day from high school when I weighed between 140 and 150 pounds. It made me sad.
I hate the education school. But if you have talked to me within the last two years you already know that whole story. I really wish I had gone into Spanish and history and not education at all, even if that would mean sacrificing the master's degree I'll be getting next year.
I'm going to go try to join one of the two distinct groups that are in my house at the moment so I can work on getting over myself.
This post has been an explanation of just some of the many thoughts that are passing through my mind at the moment. Nobody would ever be able to actually collect all of them. But if they did, I have this strange feeling that the positive would outweigh the negative...and that makes me smile.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Indecent Proposals and the Knife that wouldn't stop cutting People
I sent off my final paper proposal to my seminar instructor four hours before the deadline. My topic was pretty well-set from the first time I sent in a proposal and got back the comment "A very do-able topic." The problem I'm having is that I think I'm looking at my topic too broadly...for instance:
In this paper I plan to demonstrate the relationship between vernacular and popular medicine in Early Modern England and popular remedies that were practiced on a relatively broad scale. Emphasis will be placed on remedies involving the four humors of the body and how people of this period sought to experiment with potions and other recipes in order to cure the ailments of different diseases, including syphilis and the many plagues that struck London throughout the seventeenth century. I will look as to how religion influenced many of the medicinal practices and how the "vernacularization" of texts from Latin to English challenged traditional medicinal customs and practices, both of the church and of Early Modern society as a whole.
It seems so broad, vague, and triflingly boring and I'm sure I'll have a blast writing it. This is the second time I've sent in my proposal and after I hit the submit button each time I couldn't help but feel like what I have sent in is total crap. I have a month to construct my paper after I get the final green light on this. If I can take my 2 page, completely dense and wordy proposal and let it expand to what is should be AND actually do all of my necessary research, I should arrive somewhere near the 25 page goal.
Anyway, my friends came up last night. I had a great time with them. We celebrated St. Patrick's day by drinking Coronas and slicing our fingers open while trying to cut limes with a hunting knife that was FAR too sharp. I was the first to do it and honestly my thumb just touched the blade of the knife. Shortly after that one of my friends cut his finger and about 45 minutes later my roommate got his thumb pretty good. After the bleeding eventually stopped (for my roommate it took a good half-hour or so) and we had cleaned the blood from the table, wall, and floor we got back to our shenanigans...drinking, talking, laughing, trash-talking, challenging one another to judo matches (I did not partake), and just having a good time being around each other. We finally passed out between 2 and 3, I honestly do not remember when exactly.
I also got a keyboard out of the visit so double win for me. After I get back home I'm going to start jamming.
In this paper I plan to demonstrate the relationship between vernacular and popular medicine in Early Modern England and popular remedies that were practiced on a relatively broad scale. Emphasis will be placed on remedies involving the four humors of the body and how people of this period sought to experiment with potions and other recipes in order to cure the ailments of different diseases, including syphilis and the many plagues that struck London throughout the seventeenth century. I will look as to how religion influenced many of the medicinal practices and how the "vernacularization" of texts from Latin to English challenged traditional medicinal customs and practices, both of the church and of Early Modern society as a whole.
It seems so broad, vague, and triflingly boring and I'm sure I'll have a blast writing it. This is the second time I've sent in my proposal and after I hit the submit button each time I couldn't help but feel like what I have sent in is total crap. I have a month to construct my paper after I get the final green light on this. If I can take my 2 page, completely dense and wordy proposal and let it expand to what is should be AND actually do all of my necessary research, I should arrive somewhere near the 25 page goal.
Anyway, my friends came up last night. I had a great time with them. We celebrated St. Patrick's day by drinking Coronas and slicing our fingers open while trying to cut limes with a hunting knife that was FAR too sharp. I was the first to do it and honestly my thumb just touched the blade of the knife. Shortly after that one of my friends cut his finger and about 45 minutes later my roommate got his thumb pretty good. After the bleeding eventually stopped (for my roommate it took a good half-hour or so) and we had cleaned the blood from the table, wall, and floor we got back to our shenanigans...drinking, talking, laughing, trash-talking, challenging one another to judo matches (I did not partake), and just having a good time being around each other. We finally passed out between 2 and 3, I honestly do not remember when exactly.
I also got a keyboard out of the visit so double win for me. After I get back home I'm going to start jamming.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Podobasz mi się
Nienawidzę rozmawiać o nim. Kocham go. Nienawidzę go. Ja uwielbiam go. Chciałbym myśleć, że on lubi mnie, ale wiem, że to jest błędne. Nie będę mógł zatrzymać myślenia o nim. Nie chcę kontynuować tę drogę. To jest wszystko, że mogę mówić.
Miłego środa...
Miłego środa...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Counting to 9
I woke up late today and turned in my withdrawal form to the Registrar's Office a little after the class I was dropping had let out. I managed to see three students I knew and the professor. None of them remembered me...and why would they? I had given them nothing with which to remember me by, I hadn't been to class in a month, and to most of them I was probably just that guy who sat over to the side only occasionally offering a comment or answer....that no-name guy who eventually stopped coming to class.
I returned home to find the US Census form in my mailbox. I have been waiting for this for weeks now so I eagerly tore open the envelope and began reading. The form isn't too complicated and I'm glad to see that I actually get to fill one out even though I'm living at college. I'm Person Number 1 on our form so everybody has to list how they're related to me. It makes me feel important. I just have to get the eight other people I live with to fill it out. The form took me probably 5 minutes to complete, but I've already had three people say that they won't be able to do it for a while. I think they're just intimidated.
My friends aren't coming until tomorrow, but this time I KNOW that they are coming tomorrow. Other people up here were just too busy with things today.
So after my late start and quick finish to my day, I have little else to do. There is, however, still some vodka and Kahlua on the top shelf in my closet. Today may get interesting after all.
I returned home to find the US Census form in my mailbox. I have been waiting for this for weeks now so I eagerly tore open the envelope and began reading. The form isn't too complicated and I'm glad to see that I actually get to fill one out even though I'm living at college. I'm Person Number 1 on our form so everybody has to list how they're related to me. It makes me feel important. I just have to get the eight other people I live with to fill it out. The form took me probably 5 minutes to complete, but I've already had three people say that they won't be able to do it for a while. I think they're just intimidated.
My friends aren't coming until tomorrow, but this time I KNOW that they are coming tomorrow. Other people up here were just too busy with things today.
So after my late start and quick finish to my day, I have little else to do. There is, however, still some vodka and Kahlua on the top shelf in my closet. Today may get interesting after all.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Yes versus Maybe
"It's not for me, and I'm not meant for it. Good...hopefully it will fade away."
It's not that the statement caught me off guard, I usually expect some bull shit like this every now and then. I guess it was just how randomly it seemed to appear after such a long absence. Shortly after it came through my feed he started texting me again. It has been nearly two months since his name showed up on my phone and this time it was met with the same skip of my heart that always betrays what my brain knows to be fact: it's not going to happen.
I've tried to convince myself of this since January, but in the absence of anything or anyone else to distract my attention in this arena, the thought of any possibilities of it working out started to creep back into my head. It's wrong of me to think that it will work and it's wrong of me to try to force this on someone who obviously does not want to accept it.
I used to tell myself "just wait until next year, things will change" but do I really want things to change? Yes, I still like him, but I don't want to be with someone who may at any moment completely betray me because it's not what "God" wants. Who's to say what that even is?
I get so frustrated talking to him sometimes that I just want to stop. But at the same time I NEED to keep the conversation going to feed my sense of imagination and possibility.
I have an overactive imagination.
It's not that the statement caught me off guard, I usually expect some bull shit like this every now and then. I guess it was just how randomly it seemed to appear after such a long absence. Shortly after it came through my feed he started texting me again. It has been nearly two months since his name showed up on my phone and this time it was met with the same skip of my heart that always betrays what my brain knows to be fact: it's not going to happen.
I've tried to convince myself of this since January, but in the absence of anything or anyone else to distract my attention in this arena, the thought of any possibilities of it working out started to creep back into my head. It's wrong of me to think that it will work and it's wrong of me to try to force this on someone who obviously does not want to accept it.
I used to tell myself "just wait until next year, things will change" but do I really want things to change? Yes, I still like him, but I don't want to be with someone who may at any moment completely betray me because it's not what "God" wants. Who's to say what that even is?
I get so frustrated talking to him sometimes that I just want to stop. But at the same time I NEED to keep the conversation going to feed my sense of imagination and possibility.
I have an overactive imagination.
Cancellations and other Oddities
My friend coming back from Indiana canceled his visit to Charlottesville today because his car hasn't been registered in the state and he doesn't want to drive it back yet. So I let my other friend know and now they're not coming back until tomorrow. At least I hope they do. I was looking forward to their visit.
I also found out that I will be teaching a lesson on the Cold War on my birthday. So I definitely won't be going out the night of the 28th as I had planned, but whatever. There will be plenty of other times to drink.
My house is a wreck. And it's not my fault. The things I have are clean. My room and the bathroom I share with three other guys are tidy. The problems are the living room downstairs, the other upstairs bathroom, the kitchen upstairs, and the yard. I don't really care too much about the living room and the yard because I don't spend a lot of time in those places. I also don't use the other bathroom but it is still disgusting. And only two people share it. My main problem is with the kitchen that is right across the hall from my room. The same two people who have destroyed the bathroom at the end of the hall have also managed to destroy the kitchen. I cannot use it anymore. Trash is piled up in the corner and dishes are overflowing from the sink and counter.
I wouldn't care about that too much except that it looks bad on me as someone who lives here..but most importantly it's because of the flies it breeds. They are everywhere. And because of my room's proximity, they come into my room. I feel like I'm living in some third-world country. I get so frustrated to the point of tears sometimes because I hate living here so much. I've killed hunterds of flies...possibly thousands. I've become known as the "Fly Murderer" because the traps I set out (some wine with a bit of dish soap in shallow cups) have killed so many. It's something to be proud of, I guess. But I'd rather not have this problem.
I really can't wait until I move into the new apartment in June. I hate this house.
I also found out that I will be teaching a lesson on the Cold War on my birthday. So I definitely won't be going out the night of the 28th as I had planned, but whatever. There will be plenty of other times to drink.
My house is a wreck. And it's not my fault. The things I have are clean. My room and the bathroom I share with three other guys are tidy. The problems are the living room downstairs, the other upstairs bathroom, the kitchen upstairs, and the yard. I don't really care too much about the living room and the yard because I don't spend a lot of time in those places. I also don't use the other bathroom but it is still disgusting. And only two people share it. My main problem is with the kitchen that is right across the hall from my room. The same two people who have destroyed the bathroom at the end of the hall have also managed to destroy the kitchen. I cannot use it anymore. Trash is piled up in the corner and dishes are overflowing from the sink and counter.
I wouldn't care about that too much except that it looks bad on me as someone who lives here..but most importantly it's because of the flies it breeds. They are everywhere. And because of my room's proximity, they come into my room. I feel like I'm living in some third-world country. I get so frustrated to the point of tears sometimes because I hate living here so much. I've killed hunterds of flies...possibly thousands. I've become known as the "Fly Murderer" because the traps I set out (some wine with a bit of dish soap in shallow cups) have killed so many. It's something to be proud of, I guess. But I'd rather not have this problem.
I really can't wait until I move into the new apartment in June. I hate this house.
Ties
I had mentioned to a friend that we had been slapped in the face by daylight savings time on Sunday and this morning I fully felt that slap once again.
I've been slacking off from going to Charlottesville High School on a regular basis..or at all..for a while now and decided to make the first Monday after Spring Break the day that I begin to go back. Great move.
I went to bed around 12:30 last night and set my alarm for 7. To my surprise I woke up at 6:30, which would have been 5:30 just a few days ago. I sat in bed for a little bit, hoping to come to a realization that I never have to go back to CHS and that this is just some weird delusion I'm having. It never came and by 6:45 I was sitting at my computer, eyes all squinty from the surrounding darkness and bright light in front of me. I took a wake-up shower and was finally able to put my contacts in, signaling the real start of my day because I cannot sleep in my contacts. I now have an hour of time to burn because of my early start.
I still have to decide what to wear and I'm thinking that I'll have to go with some kind of shirt-tie combination because the students haven't seen me in a while and I don't look like I'm too much older than them. That's why I use the tie...to set myself apart from them. Going back to a school and teaching (or even just observing) is a completely different experience than what it was like to be a student. Not that I ever really saw teachers as these mean people who were out to get their students, but now I tend to almost always see the idiocy that these teachers are dealing with from the students and nothing from the students' point of view. That probably isn't the best way to look at things because I'm supposed to have the insufferable pair of sympathy and empathy working in my mind so I can better understand my students.
But these aren't really my students. I'm just kind of stealing them for a little bit. I tell myself that so that I can get away with not giving a shit about them.
I've been slacking off from going to Charlottesville High School on a regular basis..or at all..for a while now and decided to make the first Monday after Spring Break the day that I begin to go back. Great move.
I went to bed around 12:30 last night and set my alarm for 7. To my surprise I woke up at 6:30, which would have been 5:30 just a few days ago. I sat in bed for a little bit, hoping to come to a realization that I never have to go back to CHS and that this is just some weird delusion I'm having. It never came and by 6:45 I was sitting at my computer, eyes all squinty from the surrounding darkness and bright light in front of me. I took a wake-up shower and was finally able to put my contacts in, signaling the real start of my day because I cannot sleep in my contacts. I now have an hour of time to burn because of my early start.
I still have to decide what to wear and I'm thinking that I'll have to go with some kind of shirt-tie combination because the students haven't seen me in a while and I don't look like I'm too much older than them. That's why I use the tie...to set myself apart from them. Going back to a school and teaching (or even just observing) is a completely different experience than what it was like to be a student. Not that I ever really saw teachers as these mean people who were out to get their students, but now I tend to almost always see the idiocy that these teachers are dealing with from the students and nothing from the students' point of view. That probably isn't the best way to look at things because I'm supposed to have the insufferable pair of sympathy and empathy working in my mind so I can better understand my students.
But these aren't really my students. I'm just kind of stealing them for a little bit. I tell myself that so that I can get away with not giving a shit about them.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Distractions...
The following is going to make me sound like a complete dork, but whatever.
The new Pokemon game came out today and I went out and got it--the Silver version of course, so much better than Gold. Even now I'm typing and playing at the same time.
I was also given a PS2 this weekend from my brother so I also have that to distract me when I get bored of staring at a screen between my hands.
This week is going to hurt. Coming back from Spring Break PLUS having all of this other stuff to play with now. And besides all of that two of my friends are coming up to visit tomorrow.
We'll have to see how things play out.
The new Pokemon game came out today and I went out and got it--the Silver version of course, so much better than Gold. Even now I'm typing and playing at the same time.
I was also given a PS2 this weekend from my brother so I also have that to distract me when I get bored of staring at a screen between my hands.
This week is going to hurt. Coming back from Spring Break PLUS having all of this other stuff to play with now. And besides all of that two of my friends are coming up to visit tomorrow.
We'll have to see how things play out.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Back in my element...maybe
I made the journey from West Point to Charlottesville today. The trip seems to get longer each time I travel it because I have learned the road, the landmarks, the curves in the interstate and I can anticipate each one's arrival on my path. I think the anticipation of an upcoming thing can make the time seem to pass more slowly. At least it does for me on I-64.
Before I had left King William, I had decided that I was just going to put on a CD and listen to it all the way through on my trip. I never quite listened to every song on each one I did put in, but it kept me more focused and I was not constantly searching for other songs, artists, or groups to play through my iPod. Not once did an English song come through.
I like my eclectic mix of music: Japanese, Spanish, Korean, and some Portuguese. I do like English music, don't get me wrong, but I also like being able to lose myself in the music without knowing the words. Artists such as RBD, Lu, Tohoshinki/TVXQ/DBSK, Anahi, and Ayumi Hamasaki flowed through my speakers and I loved every minute of it.
I finally pulled off the Interstate around 5 p.m. and got onto the smaller roads leading into Charlottesville. I noticed that the snow is finally gone and that with many of the students still on Spring Break the roads are not crowded at all. I made my way down JPA and then took the sharp turn onto Valley. As I approached my house I noticed that some of my roommates were already back. I started unpacking my many bags and other things from my car and moving them into the house (which smells like Diazinon for some reason) and got sidetracked by talking to people.
Even now it has taken me half an hour or so to type up this post. I guess it's good to be back though. One more day off until school starts again and I have to get back into the swing of things.
I'm not ready.
Before I had left King William, I had decided that I was just going to put on a CD and listen to it all the way through on my trip. I never quite listened to every song on each one I did put in, but it kept me more focused and I was not constantly searching for other songs, artists, or groups to play through my iPod. Not once did an English song come through.
I like my eclectic mix of music: Japanese, Spanish, Korean, and some Portuguese. I do like English music, don't get me wrong, but I also like being able to lose myself in the music without knowing the words. Artists such as RBD, Lu, Tohoshinki/TVXQ/DBSK, Anahi, and Ayumi Hamasaki flowed through my speakers and I loved every minute of it.
I finally pulled off the Interstate around 5 p.m. and got onto the smaller roads leading into Charlottesville. I noticed that the snow is finally gone and that with many of the students still on Spring Break the roads are not crowded at all. I made my way down JPA and then took the sharp turn onto Valley. As I approached my house I noticed that some of my roommates were already back. I started unpacking my many bags and other things from my car and moving them into the house (which smells like Diazinon for some reason) and got sidetracked by talking to people.
Even now it has taken me half an hour or so to type up this post. I guess it's good to be back though. One more day off until school starts again and I have to get back into the swing of things.
I'm not ready.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Laundromat fun
I'm sitting in one of the two laundromats in West Point waiting for my sheets and comforter to dry. It's raining outside and I had wanted to hang them on the line...but that's just not possible today. Our dryer at home has been messing up for some time now so both my plan A and B were gone and plan C -- the laundromat -- had to be implemented.
Besides the two random maintenance workers that are constantly carrying a varied assortment of boxes and hoses around I am the only person in here. There is only one machine going. The television is either off or just not working. There are two arcade games over in the opposite corner from where I am and I can hear Japanese voices yelling and then a loud "POW" every so often. I'm pretty sure it's a fighting game...either that or a domestic abuse game.
This place is rather boring. there is one skinny bench to sit on and it is not very comfortable. The maintenance guys keep coming and going and looking over at me on my laptop each time they exit or enter. I don't think they know that you can steal some random family's internet from here.
But all of this will just be part of my memory within a few minutes because my dryer finally stopped. My bedding items feel like they've just come out of a 500 degree oven.
Besides the two random maintenance workers that are constantly carrying a varied assortment of boxes and hoses around I am the only person in here. There is only one machine going. The television is either off or just not working. There are two arcade games over in the opposite corner from where I am and I can hear Japanese voices yelling and then a loud "POW" every so often. I'm pretty sure it's a fighting game...either that or a domestic abuse game.
This place is rather boring. there is one skinny bench to sit on and it is not very comfortable. The maintenance guys keep coming and going and looking over at me on my laptop each time they exit or enter. I don't think they know that you can steal some random family's internet from here.
But all of this will just be part of my memory within a few minutes because my dryer finally stopped. My bedding items feel like they've just come out of a 500 degree oven.
Visiting Day
I decided to go to my old high school and visit some of my former teachers yesterday afternoon. I only called ahead to one of my teachers as I was pulling into the parking lot. I saw some students I knew or remembered as I walked up to the front doors and once I entered the school I was immediately questioned as to who I was and what I was doing there. After the office assistant finally called the teacher I had phoned ahead to, I was given a visitor's pass and was allowed to enter the main building.
I made my way down the old hallways, making the same turns that had become habits when I attended KWHS back in the day. Some of the names on the doors had changed, but overall things were the same. The smells, the feel, the atmosphere, everything felt like it was kind of stuck in time. I made it down to my former math teacher's room and she jumped up from her desk and hugged me. As a UVa graduate, she had plenty of questions to ask me about the school and how I was liking it. I told her about my problems with the Education program and she said that if I can just stick with it through this semester that things will get better. We talked for a little bit about random things, how other people I was in class with were doing, etc., and then my friend Anna came in. I really don't think any of us were expecting to see the others that day so it was a rather good surprise to have us all back together again.
When we finally broke away from "Jean Bean the Sex Machine" I went down to see my old Spanish teacher. On my way down to the language hallway I caught up with my calculus and physics teacher. We conducted the general small talk until we had walked down to the atrium and I found my Spanish teacher. Always the one for enigmatic emotions, she looked as though she had been crying recently. I stopped and talked to her for a bit about how school was going and she asked if I would be interested in coming down next year to talk to her students about college and setting goals. I said I'd be glad to do that if she just lets me know when she wants me to come down. As we were talking my old US History and Government teacher approached us. She and her AP Gov. class had just returned from the General Assembly so she was on one of her political process highs.
I went down to my Spanish teacher's room where I talked to her a bit more about Spanish, Polish, and Japanese, as well as other random things. I then popped in next door to the NHS sponsor (and other Spanish teacher, although I never had her). We talked for a good while and I had never realized how much she liked me before. I guess because she didn't like my brother and I never really interacted with her except when I was complaining about something with the NHS, I figured that she didn't really like me either.
I eventually made it down to my drama coach's room where they were having play practice. The play "Greater Tuna" was one that I was supposed to be in my sophomore year in HS, but because of cast problems and the general suckiness of the play, we scrapped it, salvaged part of the cast and put on "10 Little Indians" instead. As I was watching these kids rehearsing their lines and trying to act, I realized how glad I was that I didn't have to do that play....especially since I had been cast as a woman.
When I left the drama area I made it back down the math hallway to the first math teacher I had had at KWHS. She and I talked about UVa and John Casteen because she had taught his kids when they were younger. She was also kind of critical on Mr. Casteen's number of marriages.
I also went to see the English teacher I had T.A.'d for my senior year. She was working on yearbook stuff as the yearbook sponsor always does around this time of the semester. She told me she always thought I would go into politics of some kind because I'm good at talking to people. I didn't want to mention how I am unelectable and have politics that are FAR too left for this country, but I did kind of entertain the thought in my mind of eventually going back to school and looking into politics (although I would really like to do languages).
It was about 4:45 by this time and I was supposed to be in Williamsburg by 5:45 for dinner with a friend so I tried to pull myself away as nicely as I could. I stopped and talked to the mom of one of my classmates (her mom also happens to be a math teacher at KWHS) and we talked more about school and how the budget cuts have been affecting things recently.
I finally hit the road around 4:50, stopped at home for about 3 minutes to pick up my jacket and laptop. I made it to the Burg by about 5:50 which was actually great considering the traffic I hit on Route-30 in New Kent. My friend (who happens to be the former wife of my boss who was arrested for selling cocaine last Spring Break) and I talked about my situation with one of my roommates and her situation with the guy she likes. It was very relaxing and nice to be able to get everything out. We reminisced about working together and hanging out with this one girl who makes the BEST "Would You Rather"s ever. For example, "Would you rather never be able to bathe ever again or have an ugly midget in the shower with you trying to wash your back every time you tried to bathe." And fyi, the midget will be in whatever shower you are, no matter where, I've already asked that question.
So we laughed, talked, laughed some more and finally had to call it a night. I made it home in time to watch Community and then have an hour break to do nothing before 30 Rock came on. Parks and Recreation and the Office are...not my kinds of shows. In the process of watching my shows and also an episode of Kitchen Nightmares with my parents I had four glasses of wine and then a dose of Nyquil. Needless to say, I was in bed early last night.
I made my way down the old hallways, making the same turns that had become habits when I attended KWHS back in the day. Some of the names on the doors had changed, but overall things were the same. The smells, the feel, the atmosphere, everything felt like it was kind of stuck in time. I made it down to my former math teacher's room and she jumped up from her desk and hugged me. As a UVa graduate, she had plenty of questions to ask me about the school and how I was liking it. I told her about my problems with the Education program and she said that if I can just stick with it through this semester that things will get better. We talked for a little bit about random things, how other people I was in class with were doing, etc., and then my friend Anna came in. I really don't think any of us were expecting to see the others that day so it was a rather good surprise to have us all back together again.
When we finally broke away from "Jean Bean the Sex Machine" I went down to see my old Spanish teacher. On my way down to the language hallway I caught up with my calculus and physics teacher. We conducted the general small talk until we had walked down to the atrium and I found my Spanish teacher. Always the one for enigmatic emotions, she looked as though she had been crying recently. I stopped and talked to her for a bit about how school was going and she asked if I would be interested in coming down next year to talk to her students about college and setting goals. I said I'd be glad to do that if she just lets me know when she wants me to come down. As we were talking my old US History and Government teacher approached us. She and her AP Gov. class had just returned from the General Assembly so she was on one of her political process highs.
I went down to my Spanish teacher's room where I talked to her a bit more about Spanish, Polish, and Japanese, as well as other random things. I then popped in next door to the NHS sponsor (and other Spanish teacher, although I never had her). We talked for a good while and I had never realized how much she liked me before. I guess because she didn't like my brother and I never really interacted with her except when I was complaining about something with the NHS, I figured that she didn't really like me either.
I eventually made it down to my drama coach's room where they were having play practice. The play "Greater Tuna" was one that I was supposed to be in my sophomore year in HS, but because of cast problems and the general suckiness of the play, we scrapped it, salvaged part of the cast and put on "10 Little Indians" instead. As I was watching these kids rehearsing their lines and trying to act, I realized how glad I was that I didn't have to do that play....especially since I had been cast as a woman.
When I left the drama area I made it back down the math hallway to the first math teacher I had had at KWHS. She and I talked about UVa and John Casteen because she had taught his kids when they were younger. She was also kind of critical on Mr. Casteen's number of marriages.
I also went to see the English teacher I had T.A.'d for my senior year. She was working on yearbook stuff as the yearbook sponsor always does around this time of the semester. She told me she always thought I would go into politics of some kind because I'm good at talking to people. I didn't want to mention how I am unelectable and have politics that are FAR too left for this country, but I did kind of entertain the thought in my mind of eventually going back to school and looking into politics (although I would really like to do languages).
It was about 4:45 by this time and I was supposed to be in Williamsburg by 5:45 for dinner with a friend so I tried to pull myself away as nicely as I could. I stopped and talked to the mom of one of my classmates (her mom also happens to be a math teacher at KWHS) and we talked more about school and how the budget cuts have been affecting things recently.
I finally hit the road around 4:50, stopped at home for about 3 minutes to pick up my jacket and laptop. I made it to the Burg by about 5:50 which was actually great considering the traffic I hit on Route-30 in New Kent. My friend (who happens to be the former wife of my boss who was arrested for selling cocaine last Spring Break) and I talked about my situation with one of my roommates and her situation with the guy she likes. It was very relaxing and nice to be able to get everything out. We reminisced about working together and hanging out with this one girl who makes the BEST "Would You Rather"s ever. For example, "Would you rather never be able to bathe ever again or have an ugly midget in the shower with you trying to wash your back every time you tried to bathe." And fyi, the midget will be in whatever shower you are, no matter where, I've already asked that question.
So we laughed, talked, laughed some more and finally had to call it a night. I made it home in time to watch Community and then have an hour break to do nothing before 30 Rock came on. Parks and Recreation and the Office are...not my kinds of shows. In the process of watching my shows and also an episode of Kitchen Nightmares with my parents I had four glasses of wine and then a dose of Nyquil. Needless to say, I was in bed early last night.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
J.L.O.T.
I find it strange how some memories can stick with us longer than others, even when they are just little things. I remember watching a sing-along tape at my old house better than I remember my first visit to an amusement park. I remember lines that weren't even mine from a play I was in better than I remember...
I guess it's all about priority...what our minds place more emphasis on in our subconscious. I store up so much information on things such as gossip, historical facts, random things people say, and other small things like that. I don't generally focus on the big-picture things because I think too much emphasis is put on them. I tend to see these events as more of the beginnings of cycles. If I plan on doing it again I don't usually place much mental capacity on remembering the first ones. I do remember things such as my first time...you know...doing it, smoking my first cigarette, my first "last" cigarette, etc., but these things are very important to me and to who I have become over the last few years.
The point of all of this: I went out with an old friend the other night. My first "real" ex to be exact. And once I got in the car with him I could remember so much. It happens every time we are together. I get this kind of memory rush of all the little things we used to do, that he used to do, and that I would do when we were together. We started talking about how things had been going for us, our plans for the future, who we were interested in now...and besides the fact that the conversation subject had changed from when we were dating, it was just like old times. We went to the mall (where the security guard thought he looked ghetto and made him take off his bandana and hood) and then to the movies.
All of the things that used to infuriate me about him...all of the things that I used to love about him...everything was coming back, but not in the same ways they had been all those years ago. Back then these were some of the problems that led to our breakup. This time it was more relaxed. This time we're just friends. But that didn't make the memories any less vibrant. Both the good and the bad...they were all very, very real.
I guess it's all about priority...what our minds place more emphasis on in our subconscious. I store up so much information on things such as gossip, historical facts, random things people say, and other small things like that. I don't generally focus on the big-picture things because I think too much emphasis is put on them. I tend to see these events as more of the beginnings of cycles. If I plan on doing it again I don't usually place much mental capacity on remembering the first ones. I do remember things such as my first time...you know...doing it, smoking my first cigarette, my first "last" cigarette, etc., but these things are very important to me and to who I have become over the last few years.
The point of all of this: I went out with an old friend the other night. My first "real" ex to be exact. And once I got in the car with him I could remember so much. It happens every time we are together. I get this kind of memory rush of all the little things we used to do, that he used to do, and that I would do when we were together. We started talking about how things had been going for us, our plans for the future, who we were interested in now...and besides the fact that the conversation subject had changed from when we were dating, it was just like old times. We went to the mall (where the security guard thought he looked ghetto and made him take off his bandana and hood) and then to the movies.
All of the things that used to infuriate me about him...all of the things that I used to love about him...everything was coming back, but not in the same ways they had been all those years ago. Back then these were some of the problems that led to our breakup. This time it was more relaxed. This time we're just friends. But that didn't make the memories any less vibrant. Both the good and the bad...they were all very, very real.
Re-starting Things
I had created this blog a while ago for a class, but once the class ended I never looked at it again, forgot how to get to it, and it eventually slipped from my memory. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was talking to a friend and decided to start it back up. I wanted to wait until Spring Break because I would have time to focus on actually doing things with it and get myself into the habit of posting on here daily...or at least more than weekly.
So the ultimate kick-start for re-opening my blog is the fact that I'm sitting in my dad's shop waiting to get an oil change and two new tires. The windshield has already been replaced (which, if you've ridden with me in the past few months, you know that's the thing that needed to be replaced the most) and now I'm just waiting. Waiting. Real customers keep coming in and the mechanics keep getting pulled to other cars in the back. As the owner's son, I don't generally pay for any work done on my vehicle so mine is at the bottom of the priority list. So I'm just sitting in the office listening to phones ring and people argue over car parts.
Waiting isn't as fun when you don't have anyone to do it with..
So the ultimate kick-start for re-opening my blog is the fact that I'm sitting in my dad's shop waiting to get an oil change and two new tires. The windshield has already been replaced (which, if you've ridden with me in the past few months, you know that's the thing that needed to be replaced the most) and now I'm just waiting. Waiting. Real customers keep coming in and the mechanics keep getting pulled to other cars in the back. As the owner's son, I don't generally pay for any work done on my vehicle so mine is at the bottom of the priority list. So I'm just sitting in the office listening to phones ring and people argue over car parts.
Waiting isn't as fun when you don't have anyone to do it with..
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