J.L.O.T. 2

Last Friday night I went on a "date" with my ex, the ex I first wrote about in the original J.L.O.T. post from a long time ago. We went to a Thai restaurant in Richmond and then went back to his place where we proceeded to play video games and watch TV just like we had done 5 years ago while we were dating in high school. As we were playing video games we both started to inch closer to each other until we were leaning on each other towards the end. When we started watching TV he got us some drinks from the kitchen and we switched places on the couch. As I got more comfortable with the situation I leaned my head onto his shoulder. He looked over at me and then back at the screen, leaning slightly towards my new position.

As time passed our arms became interlocked and soon after that our fingers followed. We sat there like that, like we used to, just watching TV and holding each other -- laughing, talking, and just sitting in silence as the people on the screen did the talking for us. We would occasionally steal glances at each other, but neither of us really knew how to progress the situation to where we both knew it was heading.

As midnight rolled around he told me that he had go to sleep soon so he could go to work the next day. I picked myself up from the sofa, leaned over to him, and said that it was probably a good thing because I still had to drive an hour home. I put my shoes back on as he watched and I said that I would love to see him again before I leave in a few weeks. He responded that he would like that and we began to walk to the door. Before opening it I turned around and looked him in the eyes. He met my eyes and we stepped toward each other. We embraced in an amorous hug and as we broke it he leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. I returned the kiss and, eventually, broke it off, laughingly telling him to go to bed and that I would have to see him again soon. He nodded and told me good night as I opened the door, looked back at him, walked out, and closed it.

As I walked to my car I felt giddy, much like I had after he first kissed me in the high school parking lot shortly before my seventeenth birthday. Even though I had been the one who had broken the kiss and ended the night by leaving, I was the one who had wanted to start it. I had honestly thought about that upcoming moment all day long from the second I asked him to dinner until it finally happened shortly after the stroke of midnight. I longed for it because I missed it.

But the problems come in here: I'm going away for (at least) a year, we already tried dating and failed, both he and I have changed from what we were back then, and we've been in a similar situation to this before.

The fact that I'm going away for a year is probably the biggest issue for me. Separation can make the heart grow stronger, or whatever, but eventually time can erase those feelings, as well as present new opportunities.

We dated from March 22 to (December 11), 2006, (we broke up for about 3 days in early November) and by the end of that time I couldn't bear to even look at him, much less spend time with him. We were different from each other, we had different viewpoints (I, for one, was actually very religious at the time, which put us in some harsh and angry conflicts at times) and were from very different backgrounds. This could be just something that's stressing me because I feel that we may run into similar problems now..even though many of the issues that drove us apart have been mellowed.

We have, however, changed from five years ago, and it's hard to predict any problems that may come up again, or any new ones that may present themselves. But I guess that's the challenge of being in a relationship..you sometimes never know what could come between two people until it actually happens. But this brings me to my final major issue..

A few years ago, during my second year at UVa, I would meet up with him once every few months and we would do things similar to this. While we were together one night he turned to me and asked me if this was what I wanted. We didn't get together again until a few days ago. I was, and am still, unsure of what I actually wanted with this. Is it just something that I like because I'm used to it and it's just like old times to me? Is this something that I actually want to try and re-start? Do I think that we can actually make it this time, despite our past together and apart?

I told a friend that I kissed him after having a date-like evening and she responded: "That's the good thing about exes-- you know why you don't want to date them, but, you know, they can still be fun to be with." I'm not too sure how to feel about that. I knew back in 2006 why I didn't want to date him, but now...things have changed. He's changed, I've changed, the overall situation has changed. Maybe things could be different now, or maybe they'd be exactly the same. I guess I won't know unless I actually try something.

He does have a dog though....that could be a deal-breaker.