The Truth of the Matter

Honestly, I wish things had turned out differently.

I'm sitting in my room, alone. People downstairs are doing work. People upstairs are in the pot-smoking room that I avoid. I've almost finished my second Corona (we're working through the case we got last night) and I'm just beginning to feel lightheaded. But with the lightheadedness I get from this also comes my emotions.

I'm a jealous person. I'm a sad person. I'm easily upset. I'm extremely stubborn and opinionated. And I feel like I'm driving people away from me.

Listing good qualities about myself does not come easily. I guess I never actually notice when I'm in a good mood or anything. I just take it for granted that I'm not sad or thinking about killing myself and move on with the passing time. I look at my watch and think forward to the next time my alcoholism will kick in and give myself that high that only addictions can give.

I'm at least 25 pounds overweight right now. I look down at myself and get upset. But I'm so stuck in my ways that I do not want to and will not make any changes. I continue this cycle of existence in my current self which only furthers my weight problems and decreases my self-esteem daily. I feel like I've been turned down twice in the last few months because of my weight. I was flipping through an old yearbook the other day from high school when I weighed between 140 and 150 pounds. It made me sad.

I hate the education school. But if you have talked to me within the last two years you already know that whole story. I really wish I had gone into Spanish and history and not education at all, even if that would mean sacrificing the master's degree I'll be getting next year.

I'm going to go try to join one of the two distinct groups that are in my house at the moment so I can work on getting over myself.

This post has been an explanation of just some of the many thoughts that are passing through my mind at the moment. Nobody would ever be able to actually collect all of them. But if they did, I have this strange feeling that the positive would outweigh the negative...and that makes me smile.