I'm so Sorry

Would it be better if we had never met?

It would hurt less.

But you should be happy.

And I should be happy for you.

But I can't stand it.

Memories rush in like a flood.

Turning sour in my mind.

I hate the way I feel.

But I can't make myself feel another way.

Even though I've tried.

I don't regret loving you.

I try to take the good memories.

And only the good.

Of us apart, and never together.

Because we can't be like that.

The way I want.

I want to see you.

But you're too far away.

Never have I wanted to go home this bad.

And race to see you.

Though I know it would be for nothing.

It could never be the way I want it to be.

Because I'm not what you want.

And I want to ask why.

But I can't bring myself to do it.

Maybe eventually I can move on.

Through the pain of these times.

I'm reliving that moment over and over in my mind.

Wondering what could have been.

But it just can't work.

And I need to assure myself of that.

I don't want you to tell me that.

It would hurt too much to hear it from you.

In your words.

Your words that cut through me so sharply.

You don't mean it.

But I always take it in that way.

The way that makes me hurt.

And I'm sorry for that.

I'm so sorry, but I love you.

Still.

Years after rejection.

You are always in my mind.

The thought of you usually brings a smile to my face.

But today it only brings tears.

And you didn't mean to do it.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry for the way I am right now.

It will get better.

But not yet.